-1

Wow. I am truly overwhelmed (in the good kind of way) with all of the Facebook and email encouragement. I do not feel alone in this room. I feel surrounded by God and the presence of many friends. That may sound hokey, but I mean it. Van came for a little while tonight and in about an hour and a half went from catching up to watching African wild dogs hunt impala. It was obvious that it wasn't going to end well, so I don't think we were sad that his parking lot was about to close, and he had to leave for the night. It is like that around here. From any minute you can go from something mildly serious (whelps? Am I suppose to have whelps?) to playing a cute video of my kid in a bathtub to reading about Joshua and the various bloodbaths that he is involved in (I'm taking a break from Joshua), and the aforementioned necessary and bonus interruptions. I guess that is how most days are for the general population, but the day before a big day I am thankful that tonight I could read your posts and get focused after being so fragmented.

So, here's the plan around 11:00 or so, not quite sure:
1. I've had lots of chemo and pre-meds to make a clean slate and the donor's marrow (collected at the hip, in this case) stick to me.
2. Carter Blood Care brings in a tank with a womb or something to hold the precious marrow.
3. The chaplain leads us in a reading blessing the cells.
4. I'm given IV Benedryl, which I probably can't stay awake through.
5. Van will probably lead a prayer, if not then, when the room clears out just depending on the personality of our chaplain.
6. A nurse sticks by for a long time to make sure I don't have a weird reaction as a precaution. I'm used to this with all the chemo. Van might go nuts, but I think he brought reading material.
7. Then, we wait. My blood counts should take the full hit from the chemo in a couple of days. Then, it will be time for masks and Lysol wipes (and maybe some fevers and bumps along the road). I will have 3 small intermittent bags of chemo in the coming days that aren't expected to give me problems. They are more for the "sticking" of the bone marrow cells. Meds, meds, meds, blood, blood, blood, antibiotics....22 or so days for the hospital.
8. Apartment in Dallas with doc appointments about 3 times a week for a couple of months.
9. A lot of times when I pray, I just pray for "SUCCESS!" That about sums it up. Don't get caught on the details, because I didn't even explain them well, and God is in them as well as the big stuff.

Evidently the kids are fine. I tried to talk to Cade on Skype today. He was polite but after a couple of minutes he asked if I felt busy. He wanted to walk his grandmom's dog AND ride his bike.

Radio Out. God bless you.

-2

My trusty IV pole is finishing up a plethora of chemistry. Yesterday, I was not too happy about some of the wacko-weird side effects, but after a few hours and some morphine I got some relief. The doctor that advised the drug was on my good side until today when he prescribed IV Benedryl (SLEEPY) at the exact same time as Lasix (HAVE TO GO NOW!). Mean, mean, mean. Van was trying to call me at the same time, and I was wrapped up in cords, tubes and trying to text him to hold the phone. As it happens, though, "this too shall pass" (he-heh), and the day is almost over.

Tomorrow should be a lighter, easier day. There are many in my hallway with much more to deal with, and that do not have the support that I have or know a kind, loving Father. I cherish the prayers, verses and kind words. I try to share your words to open hearts during the day, with God's grace. I feel very inadequate, but He is good.

-4

The tech that records my vital signs is my new best friend. She just showed me that the ugliest chair in my room reclines!!!! I'm supposed to keep my watermelon ankles up, so this should help. Van says that they will come by and thump me to see when I'm "ripe" to move on to the next chemo drug. Also, to combat the swelling, I've been given a drug that makes me visit the ladies' room often. This of course could not be ignored by my husband. He decided to educate the shy and serious Indian doctor on the term "peeing like a racehorse". I guess the doctor thought that that meant I was interested in racehorses, and now we have something to talk about together....because I am a huge fan of sports + animals + gambling. Van can disarm anyone, and that makes me laugh.

I was without internet service for a couple of days. That was tough because everything I could think of to do (Cosby Show, Shutterfly photos, email, installing new software, etc.) required a connection. This also meant that I didn't have Skype to talk with the kiddos, and we missed that. Avi thought very hard on the telephone to tell me, "My...ears....rabbit!" about the bunny ears that Papa and Grandmother bought her.

My hands are shaky (probably due to loss of potassium?) so I'll keep this short. I don't feel weak, though. All is going well, and we are on track.

-8

Today is 8 days before the transplant day. I had some nice quiet time today before the central line was placed around noon, an especially hard process for me. It was done in an operating room with all the bells and whistles. Not fun, but I am grateful for it. After I recovered from that and had a 2:00 breakfast, I met a patient in the hallway that has her transplant tomorrow. It was really nice to talk with her, and I walked A LOT just so I could encourage/be encouraged. I've had some pre-meds for tomorrow's chemo. The nurse and I dropped the pill cup, but I caught the cup with one hand and the two pills with the other! How's that for "I do my best work under pressure." I had some last minute nervousness about this whole transplant business, and my doctor, MY DOCTOR, not the doctor down the hall came by to soothe fears. What a dear man. I wonder if he knows what a big impact that made.

So...I'm prepped and ready to go! I read this morning from the end of Deut. where God shows Moses the Promised Land and then Joshua takes the reins and is told, "Be strong and courageous and do not be afraid," because the Lord is with him. I know that there is a much bigger picture in it than me in this day, something about the redemption of the world ;), but in such a significant time in our lives, I can't help but picture God showing us the Promised Land and handing us the swords to conquer it. And then, I imagine God going before us so that we can lay down our swords and follow Him. That's the image I'm holding on to today.

Van sent me a photo of Cade and his classmates working the parachute at his PE program. Mom said that he was so excited that he even tucked his shirt in!!! There is also a book fair at the school tonight, and he had several books picked out. He picked out some for his brother and sister, too. "Zane really wants 'Olivia', but I think we should get him 'The Hampster's Hot Rod'." Poor Van will have to do some negotiating tonight, because I know there will not be a blank check for our six-year-old! That said, I love the fact that he enjoys books so much. He reads before bed using the crib light from when he was a baby, and he has about five books in his backpack that he totes to school every day. That makes me so happy. It is so wonderful to have Mom and Dad at the house with Van so that each lap is filled with kiddos and piles of books.

Master, the Tempest is Annoying and Inconvenient

It was so great to be home. Avi is "Running! Running!", Zane is making wonderful tall tales about "When I was a baby, the police officer said to me, 'You may NOT throw trash on the parking lot'", and Cade is doing a pretty good imitation of a "Russian" (Irish) jig. Cade was able to tell his teacher about St. Patrick and the 3-leaf clover. "One leaf is for Jesus, one is for Compassion and one is for Responsibility." Thankfully, his teacher knew what he was referencing and helped him replace his school code of conduct elements with the rest of the Trinity. Hey, I'm just thankful that Santa Claus is now out of the mix.

I'm back in Dallas and grateful for the smiles that greeted me. Van and I had a long day waiting with an empty stomach for the central line (that will instead be placed tomorrow) and wondering if we were still on track. We are. Now, he is back in Waco to work tomorrow, take Cade to his kindergarten PE program tomorrow night, and will come visit me again on Friday for my first day of chemo. Bless that man.

I have a different room, but if you squint, it looks about the same. However, there are no water spots on the ceiling tiles, which is AWESOME, and one of the chairs seems more comfortable. I am across from one set of automatic double doors that sound like a briefcase being latched every few minutes. I have a suitcase full of books, magazines and projects...okay, two suitcases...and with a computer fully loaded with photos to sort and audio books for the tough days, I should keep from going crazy. I even brought a printer this time so that when I come across something in a house design book, I can make a copy for future reference. It is extravagant, but I really missed being able to print, and it is silly to lug around an entire book for one page in it.

I've been dealing with some anxiety in the last couple of days, but a lot of peace has returned. I am thankful. I think of Jesus sleeping through the storm and then commanding it, and I WANT THAT. I'm really wanting to know more of who He is and how to rest in His Spirit more and more. A song just got stuck in my head, and I thought I should type it out here. I just reached for the hymnal I brought (because it seemed the thing to do even though it has been on our shelf for several months), and the page was marked at this song! The beginning lyrics are much more down-trodden than I feel, but I still really like this old song because of the victory--and it is catchy.

Master, the tempest is raging! The billows are tossing high! The sky is o'er-shadowed with black-ness, No shelter or help is nigh; Carest Thou not that we perish? How canst Thou lie a-sleep, When each moment so mad-ly is threat'ning A grave in the angry deep?

Master, the ter-ror is o-ver, The el-e-ments sweet-ly rest; Earth's sun in the calm lake is mir-rored, And heav-en's with-in my breast. Ling-er, O bless-ed Re-deem-er, Leave me a-lone no more; And with joy I shall make the blest har-bor, And rest on the bliss-ful shore.

The winds and the waves shall o-bey They will, Peace be still! Wheth-er the wrath of the storm-tossed sea, Or demons, or men, or what-ever it be, No wa-ter can swal-low the ship where lies The Master of o-cean and earth and skies; They all shall sweetly o-bey Thy will, Peace be still! Peace, be still! They all shall sweetly o-bey Thy will, Peace, peace, be still!

A Reprieve

My blood counts are up high enough to go home until the transplant process beginning March 23. Woo-hoo, praise the Lord! Around 3:00 or so this afternoon Van is going to pick me up. There is a lot of planning on the staff's end that will be done today to make sure I have the proper equipment to take care of my picc line, the right medicines, follow-up appointments, etc. I'll settle in tonight, and tomorrow Mom and Dad will drive the kids back from Utopia. They have been there since Sunday, and have gone on grand adventures. I talked to them via Skype last night, and they were all grins. Avi was showing me that she could (almost) put on her "pretty shoe",and Cade was proud of all the chores he helped with. Cade also drew me a picture with his finger in the air of our friend's Jeep that they had gotten to ride. He was impressed that I had guessed the picture, but the wheels made it SO obvious. Zane reported that they "did not catch two fish" while at our friend's pond.

Mom and Dad will stay with us for awhile because I'll still need a lot of help. They may not realize yet that they have a fourth person to babysit, but I think we are all glad for it. Although my immunity is pretty decent, there is no reason to push it and show up at Wal-Mart or church, but I think that home will be just fine. We're going to try and keep things low-key. I ask bible class teachers and Parent's Day Out teachers to be extra vigilent with hand washing so that my little ones can stay healthy, and I ask that parents keep sick kiddos home. Yea!

My Discovery

I've learned a lot about a hospital. When I was a child and watched a certain soap opera with my grandmother, a person in the show might sneak into the hospital room of their enemy and use a syringe to put an air bubble into an iv line to their demise. So when I'm strapped to an iv, and I see a small air bubble in the line, or if the iv pump starts making a frantic beeping sound with the message "air in iv", I have learned to not panic and know that the soap opera people were just trying to be creative about new ways to kill people, and that I will in fact be okay. I have also learned that the same beeping sound could just mean that the battery is low, and that I need to plug in the machine. I know the sound of a distant vitals machine beeping 4 in a row and that someone forgot to take it off the "auto" mode. I know the sound of the elevator cords screeching near my room, and know that it isn't straining with the load and about to break, that it will screech another day.

What I didn't know concerned a room at the end of the hallway. This room is labeled "Physicians Office" (no apostrophe), and at any time contained 4, 5, 6--I don't know how many brilliant people. There are always docs, nurse practitioners and PAs coming in and out, the great minds solving the medical dilemmas of my hallway. I never walk completely to the end of the hallway even if the door is shut because I don't want to intrude on the privacy of my fellow patients AND because I don't want to hear my name. But, tonight the door was left open and the light was off...so I ventured to the end of the hallway. I couldn't believe what I saw. I made several more laps to sneak more peeks. It was a closet of a space. Somehow, a person who definitely gifted in origami had placed two desks with computers facing each wall, two black rolling stools and an ugly vinyl-covered chair (my own room contains the same) by the door. Every spec of space was utilized--with hooks behind the door for white coats and a light, presumably for xrays, along the top of one desk. THAT'S IT??? I don't know how two people could sit at the desks without their backs touching! You are kidding me. How in the WORLD do all those people fit in there, much less think? It is like a clown car for geniuses. I have a new respect for the medical profession.

Today Van used the GPS on his fancy phone (I knew that thing would have a purpose one day :P) to calculate the official distance of the hallway, only including the distance of the socially acceptable, walkable space. It has a very handy measurement, so we made a little key for the bulletin board in the hallway. By the way, I had calculated this by counting my own steps and estimating how much was in a mile, and had re-calculated it by counting the tiles on the floor, which year's ago, my daddy had taught me the length of and got pretty doggone close. And...drum roll...one lap in the hallway is .05 miles. If one were to walk 40 laps, which one did today (hmmgh, hmmmgh) one would have walked 2 miles. (Not all at once, but still...) Van said that he talked with another patient in the hallway, and she was so excited about the rudimentary chart! With the uncertainty of each day, and the confusion of "which day is it anyway?", it is nice to be able to count on something.

I have a rubber band which came on a roll of ribbon that my mother sent me that I set aside. I feel a little bit like Man vs. Wild by packing such things away just in case they might lead to survival at any point. So, this rubber band is wound around my 1 lb. dumbbells, and when I make one lap, I move it to the next finger, so I don't have to concentrate and can pray for people or think about something less tedious than counting. However, I was not up to walking with the weights at my 8pm walk (the same walk in which I made My Discovery.) On this walk I decided to walk better. I was going to walk briskly, but gracefully. I was going to walk like Clare Huxtable from the Cosby Show, and I did. I saw myself in the double doors at the end of the hallway and was pleased with my efforts. At mid point in the lap, their was a big burly enormous nurse outfitting himself in a precautionary disposable gown, enormous gloves and was holding some contraption that would definitely win a middle school science project. I don't know what he was up to or what the patient was in for, but I was going to give him some space. I cut the lap short and doubled back. He called after me, "I was wondering where you got your turns, but then I remembered that you went to A&M." (Meaning that I looked like someone in the corps of cadets.) So I said, "At least I'm not carrying a tuba." and made the motion of when the band member squats for a turn in a march during halftime. And then, oh, I realized that he might not know about the band part, and I did not feel a bit like Claire Huxtable.

Zane had some snot, so I did not get to see the kids this weekend. I did get to talk to them by phone and by Skype. While talking with Cade via computer, Zane was in the background with giant shorts (probably new hand-me-downs from his cousin) making efforts to thread a six foot rope (thanks, Dad) through the belt loops. He then concentrated on the physics of a rubber ball and a toy car ramp. He finally bounded to the computer when he heard me mention "planning for your brother's birthday". I knew the silly goose was eavesdropping. Fun times. Avi kissed the computer screen for me and then hugged it, and Cade said, "God bless you." first before I could say it. A good day.

Van just sent me a photo of soap. After a long drive back to Waco with the children, and some intense parenting in the afternoon, Zane emerged from our bathroom with a smile, and said, "I got the soap ready for you, Daddy!" 6 soap bars were unwrapped and neatly placed in our shower ready to go with the wrappers on the floor in the bathroom. I'm proud of my husband for smiling back, thanking him, and peacefully putting the child to bed.

Bag o' Gold

My favorite quotes from today:

Cade said,"How are you this spring day?"

Zane said,"On my birthday, I'm going to turn purple! Is that funny?"

Avi said, (indistinguishable babbles)..."Zaner's funny!" I said, "Yes he is. Is Avi funny?" She said, "No! Avi is pretty!"

My nurse said,"They're at 30,000!" and she did a happy dance. Just a bit ago I got the news that the platelet donation "stuck" and my counts went up. The sanctions still have not been lifted, but they should be in the morning. I have not been able to walk around --I literally got sent to my room-- or brush my teeth with anything other than the sponge-on-a-stick that they gave me among a couple of other annoyances. I have been able to watch youtube clips (ACU Spring Sing-I never knew what that was and now I do)and listen to my #1 Lady Detective on audio book.

So, thank you, Jesus! Thank you for healing platelets and all the people that worked so hard today to get them to me with joy. Lots of behind the scenes work with researching antigens and "refracting" platelets and phone calls. Lots of lab workers staring through microscopes, doing what would bore me to death, but God has given them a gift, and I like it! Lots of patient doctors and PAs working on stuff that I would need to go back to school to understand a tenth of it, but explaining it in a way that reassured me and helped me feel involved in the process. I am thankful for the donors that just showed up knowing that they are doing something good, but never knowing the full impact of their decision. I am thankful for a nurse that cheered me for two days straight (and I am thankful for the more "professional" care of the previous day ;P) and for her being able to see what a good, God-fearin' man I have and to encourage her to hold out for the best.

A very long day, but it ended up just right. The docs and PAs now know what kind of platelets I do well with and have double donation waiting if needed.

The Twilight Saga continues

Today has been a very busy, slow day. It began with platelets that didn't do the trick followed by two units of blood. The first bag of blood helped me feel better (probably boosted hemaglobin), and finally about 3:30 I was much less shakey-kneed and able to do laps in the hallway. It is important to keep moving when possible in this joint. Before that, I didn't move far from my bed because I promised my nurse that I wouldn't faint on her. It's 6:00 now, and as I write this I am getting the second round of platelets of the day. The hardest part of the day was trying to be patient while at the same time being very sleepy--a lot of blood pressure checks. I'm given Benedryl to minimize allergic reaction to the blood products. I probably got a 10-15 minute nap all day (and that is after a late night of platelets + the usual interruptions) so I feel sleep deprived.

I've watched more tv on the computer today than I have in a long time. I found the Dog Whisperer on Hulu. I figure it will help me know how to make my IV pole behave in the hallway. It does not lead me, I lead it. It is only allowed to sniff at other poles once, and then we move on. So far the training is going well, with only a few embarassing encounters.

I'm so thankful for all of you praying. I'm also thankful for those who have been able to love on my family in various forms. I love hearing back about the delicious food and sweet conversations. Kiddos are doing well.

Shepherd Boy

Wow. Please pray that these next round of platelets will "stick".

I'm reminded of "David said to the Philistine, “You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands.” Different battle, same enemy.

And all the little boys scream, "YEAH!!!!" and charge the reader.